Stop Evaluating

I am not going to waste another minute of my life worrying about or measuring my spiritual progress. My mentor read me a Brennan Manning quote that spoke to this idea, and it really resonated with me.

See, I’m an evaluator. I like to evaluate how I am doing in all the categories of my life, and my spiritual life is no exception. In fact, it’s the most deadly form of evaluation.

For example, I love the Bible. For a long time the Bible intimidated me, and then one day in college I started reading it and it came alive to me. The words seemed to rise up off the page and scream, “This is for you, Ashley! I wrote this for you.” It connected the puzzle pieces of my life and made sense out of things I did not understand. I felt like I had discovered a secret treasure.

Then I started sharing it with others. First in casual conversations with my closest friends, and then eventually leading Bible studies for high school and college girls.

Sharing what I have learned from the Bible brings me so much life.

But, at some point I made my time in scripture a part of my evaluation. My spiritual report card hinged on if I had spent time reading the Bible or not. Soon one of my favorite things became an obligation not a gift.

Maybe it started with the day I learned the phrase “Quiet Time” because it sounds like being sent to time out. And that’s what it felt like: “You’re sentenced to 30 minutes of Quiet Time.” Ugh.

So, what’s the answer? Stop reading my Bible? No. Stop evaluating.

Our system of evaluating is not at all how God sees us.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
   

 neither are your ways my ways,” 

declares the Lord.

“As the heavens are higher than the earth, 
so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

- Isaiah 55:8-9

  Because here's the thing....

Brennan Manning - Ruthless Trust 

We are free to enjoy a relationship with God without weird expectations that we put on ourselves.

He just says,

“Come, all you who are thirsty, 
come to the waters;


and you who have no money, 
come, buy and eat!


Come, buy wine and milk 
without money and without cost.  

Why spend money on what is not bread, 

and your labor on what does not satisfy? 


Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,

and your soul will delight in the richest of fare.

Give ear and come to me;
 
hear me, that your soul may live.  

 

Or more simply put, just, “Come to me.” 

33 Things Every Christian College Freshman Should Know

This is my 4^th year working in college ministry. Therefore, I know everything. Just kidding. Therefore, this is the first time I have walked all the way through college with a class of girls.  

Every week for the last 4 years, we have sat on UT campus, or in my living room, studying scripture and sharing life together.

I have washed 39,485 water cups. We have eaten our weight in Nutella and hummus.

Average number of cups used after Small Group. Notice our fine china. 

We have cried a lot. Truthfully, tears is the 17^th member of our small group. And tears usually comes in waterfall formation – one girl starts to cry and then we all cry. Most of the time after we cry we get really silly. Like stupid silly. Like ‘I hope no one is recording us right now’ silly.  Then I usually say something inappropriate and they love it.

These women have blessed me more than I have blessed them.

Watching them graduate in May was much harder than I expected. I was a wreck. Crying at all the “lasts”. The last small group was brutal. But, I have to believe what I told them: “This is just the end of the beginning of knowing each other forever.”

A few small groups before the brutal emotional last small group, I asked them what advice they would give to an incoming college freshmen. In other words, if they could rewind the clock and talk to their terrified freshman self, what would they say? Words and thoughts immediately swirled around the room, and I could barely keep my pen writing fast enough.

Reading over their list, I see the footprints of wise women who have had many victories and failures these last 4 years. Women that will make incredible wives and mothers. Women I am proud to call my friends.

Some things they learned in our small group, but most just from living and walking with the Lord.

The funny thing is that almost all their advice applies to my life, my mother’s life, and every woman’s life. I love that about God. He is teaching us the same truths over and over and driving them deeper into our stubborn souls.

So here it is…I picked a nice round number…

33 Things Every Christian College Freshman Should Know:

1.     Study 1.5 hours per day, but no more than 3 hours.  

2.     Exercise and take care of yourself.

3.     Everything in moderation (sleep, food, TV).

4.     Live with a few people and DO NOT isolate yourself.

5.     Time is never wasted in community with other people.

6.     You’re never going to know everyone, so don’t try.

7.     Understand friendships take time to build.

8.     You’re never alone in your feelings.

9.     Don’t take yourself too seriously.

10. Busyness isn’t good or impressive.

11. Designate time to be in the word.

12. Go to church every Sunday.

13. Make time to pray – like in the car or walking to class.

14. You’re already a success in God’s eyes, you are allowed to fail and you will at some things.

15. Stop comparing.

16. Don’t feel like you have to do it all.

17. Practice being thankful.

Elena's Page of Thankfulness from Small Group

18. Everything you are sure of will probably change, so hold them loosely (friends, major, ect).

19. Don’t go home too much.

20. People do care, so let them in. Allow yourself to receive love from people.

21. Don’t have FOMO (Fear of Missing Out). Enjoy what God is doing where you are in the present moment.

22. Pray protection over your friendships. Confront and give grace. Have no expectations, but also great hope for spiritual friendships.  

23. There will be seasons. Believe in the hard seasons that God is good. Your circumstances will change and you will be ok.

24. Don’t assume people view you the way you view yourself, especially in the times you feel least like yourself.

25. Don’t worry how you will handle things in the future. God will give you the strength at that time.

26. Challenge people and open yourself up to be challenged.

27. Be quick to apologize without excuses.

28. Rest more – not just sleep, but rest spiritually by getting alone with God.

Chillin at the lake at the busiest time of the semester. Boom.

29. Think how to bless your family, not just how they can bless you.

30. When you try to please people, you’re not pleasing God. Remember, people were angry with Jesus all the time.

31. Tap into each other’s gifts and speak those gifts into people.

32. Speak lies you are believing aloud, and it will diminish their power in your life.

33. Don’t peg other people. Be open to friendships with people that are different than you.

Me & Casey. An unlikely friendship. JK Casey! ;)

That’s it. You don’t need to know anything else in college! You don’t even need a degree! Don’t tell your parents I said that.

Re-Learning #2: Feeling like a Failure

Oh Dwight. We are so much alike. Ok, not really. But, yesterday I did feel like a failure. A failure at life. This is one of those re-learning things. I have been seriously slacking by my own ridiculously high standards. Here are a few highlights…

Our fridge is embarrassingly empty.  There is a laundry pile taking on a life of its own in our hallway. I have phone calls to return that are getting to that point where I’m considering concocting an elaborate lie to explain why I’ve been MIA. I have loads of work stuff to do. I up and decided that our house is ugly and I want to change everything. My dog keeps staring at me like those Sarah Mclachlan ASPCA commercials and judging me for not walking her more. On and on….

And yesterday it just got to me. It wasn’t pretty. It felt like I was suffocating. Like I was in a tiny room and I couldn’t get out.

So, I vented to Micah (ah, the joys of being married to me) and he listened to me talk in one very long illogical run on sentence like a loving husband should. But, honestly I didn’t feel much better afterwards.

Then this morning God spoke a much needed word to me. He said this….

In the beginning, O Lord, you laid the foundations of the earth, and the heavens are the work of your hands. They will perish, but you remain; they will all wear out like a garment. You will roll them up like a robe; like a garment they will be changed. But you remain the same, 
and your years will never end.

 –Hebrews 1:10-12

And then more personally he said this…

Daughter,

All these things mean nothing. They are worthless and ultimately meaningless. Especially the money and possessions you are so tightly holding onto. It will all be gone one day. These things are not who you are. I AM who you are. You are in me and I am in you. I AM what you seek. Trust me to give you what you need in the deepest sense. My way is better. You are doubting that, but believe me it is better.

Fall on me.

Release.

Stop.

Breathe.

Open your heart, and let me in.

See things how I see things.

Come to me.

Relax.

I love you, daughter, and I would do anything for you.

I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands. (Isaiah 49)

Love,

Your Father

Whew. I really needed that. I hope it blesses you too. 

Things I Hate: Running & Re-Learning

“Pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, steadfastness, gentleness. Fight the good fight of faith.” – 1 Timothy 6:11-12

I hate re-learning things. You know when you have those “aha!” moments when you realize something new? Some little gem of wisdom about life or about yourself. You realize this new revelation changes everything, and you think, “I’ll never go back to the way I was!” You walk about life scoffing at those who don’t know what you know. How could they be so foolish? You decide that you should probably educate them on your new found wisdom.

Then time passes…

And you find yourself returning to your old ways and forgetting the revelation.

I hate that.

It reminds me of running. Maybe because I also hate running. There has never been a time when I was running that I wasn’t wondering when I would get to stop running. But, many moons ago, I trained for a 10K (that’s right I said a 10K, not a marathon or a half marathon, just 6.2 miles). It took me 6 months to train (ha!), and when I  finished the race I felt fantastic. In my mind I was basically the Lance Armstrong of running. So, I lived off that arrogance for a couple of months and then I decided to go for a run. I barely made it a half mile. I had lost it.

That’s how I feel spiritually sometimes. I like progress, advancement, growth, accomplishment. But, in those moments of re-learning, I start to believe that I haven’t moved even one step.   

Not true.

God is taking us each someplace. A very individual, very personalized path that he has plowed. And when I look at where I was 5 years ago, I am stunned by how far he has brought me.

So, fight the good fight. Don’t be discouraged. If you are turning your heart to His, then He is growing you, changing you, advancing you. His economy, his progress, his advancement is just measured differently than ours.

Perfectly.

P.S. Over the next few posts I’m going to list a few things God makes me re-learn over and over…besides how to run. What have you re-learned? I would love to hear! 

No Shortcuts

I don’t know a ton about God. In fact, the more I learn about Him the bigger He seems to become. I like it that way though. I don’t want to serve a God who is small and fits in my little ideas and assumptions about Him.

One false idea I’ve often believed about God and the Holy Spirit living inside of me is that there are shortcuts. If I can just master these 3, 5, 10 things, then I’ll find healing, joy, fulfillment, forgiveness, life, friendship…it never works. I usually get 15 minutes into the first thing I’m trying to master and decide I’d rather watch a Law & Order marathon or something. For example, I’ve tried to read the Bible on a 1 year reading plan at least 3 times. And when I start I usually think, “Psshh I can totally do this. In fact, I could probably read this in 6 months. Biblical genius here I come!”

FAIL. Genesis is long, people. I’m not disciplined enough for shortcuts.

But, on the other hand, I have friends who are much more disciplined than I am, and even when they complete the shortcut sometimes they don’t feel God’s presence at all. I think one reason that happens is because God doesn’t always work in formulas. He doesn’t just swoop in on a cloud once our little imaginary boxes are checked. He wants to be involved in the process. He wants us to get our hands dirty. He doesn’t want me to just memorize a verse. He wants it to sink down into the deepest parts of me and set up camp. And the funny thing is that most of the time “getting my hands dirty” looks a lot like opening them up and releasing the grip of what I’m holding onto.  It looks like me not putting totally unrealistic expectations on myself. 


He just wants us to wake up and say, “I trust you today, Lord.” It sounds so simple, but what I usually wake up and say is: “I trust you today, Lord. But, I’m going to need some details…preferably before I get out of bed.”

Instead of short cuts, He wants to take the long way with us – the scenic route.

And He just keeps asking me to take one more step of faith…

”that was great, Ashley. Can you do it again?”

one more step…

”wow! I’m so proud of you. Would you be willing to take another?”

one more step…

And on and on it goes. And pretty soon I look back and I’ve walked a mile with the Lord. And it was way better than the shortcut.