When I Am Weak, I Am Strong

I used to never cry. In high school I would go through break ups, fail test, (insert high school drama here) and never cry.

Then I started walking with the Lord and I became a totally basket case. Now I cry a minimum of three times a week. Crying for me can be brought on by a range of things from the über-serious to, I don’t know, let’s say, The Biggest Loser or a credit card commercial. And don’t even get me started on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.

But, the fascinating thing is that even now, people who don’t know me very well are surprised to find out that I am a “crier”. Micah was certainly shocked when we got married. Sure he’d seen a few very feminine tears glisten down my face during dating and engagement. But, he was not prepared for the Niagara Falls of ugly crying he would experience in marriage.

So, why is that? Why do I default to this pulled together front even though I am actually very emotional? I think it’s because I value strength. I like being strong. I like other people thinking I’m strong and powerful. Unshakeable. It makes me feel important and in control. People can’t have power over me and know my soft spots. I don’t have to be vulnerable.

And to make matters worse, somewhere along the way I decided that being strong is Christ-like and the only way to reach people. I started teaching people that “I’m strong, and you can be strong too!”

Which is….ridiculous. And definitely not the gospel. In fact, God loves our weakness.

Paul says this:

So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

-2 Corinthians 12:8-10

When I am weak, then I am strong.

In our weakness He is strong. He is our power and our security.

The fact is that strength and perfection IS very God-like, but it’s not very me-like. The strength in me is God. So, why am I teaching that it is me? People don’t want to hear that. And frankly, it’s not a very good sell. I don’t think anyone’s testimony is going to be: “Well, I saw that Ashley was perfect, and I wanted to be perfect too, so I became a Christian.” Ha!

People want to hear the truth. That I am broken and a certified wreck. But, God is my hero and he came in my life and put the pieces all together. He made me whole. 

So, like Paul, I want to live a life of integrity but still boast in my weaknesses. I want to show my imperfections and not be scared others will think less of me and run from the Lord.

Because the true gospel and my story is...

 For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. – Romans 5:6

My Health Update: The Maker's Diet

This year has been quite a journey for me. I could probably write an entire blog about all the things God has taught me through this one thing, but, for now, just a summary will do.

Starting exactly one year ago I began to have a string of unusual health problems. I have been healthy and fit my entire life, so it came as unfamiliar and scary territory for me. The worst of the symptoms has been canker sores in my mouth. At any given time I will have as many as 15 in my mouth as once! It is horrible. Especially since two of my favorite pastimes (talking and eating) involve my mouth. Often it would completely handicap me from even being able to carry on a conversation.

I also have experienced many other symptoms in addition to the canker sores, but the most prominent are stomach pain and extreme fatigue. Nothing is worse than being tired and in pain…all the time. After seeing countless doctors, taking all the tests, and trying too many remedies to count, there is still no answer. Isn’t not having an answer terrible?

At one point my doctor thought I had Crohn’s disease, and I was terrified. I stupidly went home and read about hundreds of cases of Crohn’s on the internet and convinced myself that I was on my deathbed. Thankfully I did not have Crohn’s, but I remember being so disappointed with not having an answer. The mystery was killing me.

I have had several rock bottom moments in the last year, but the most recent was at a Young Life camp in Colorado in May.  I found myself in the nurses station with a full body rash from an allergic reaction to an antibiotic I was on. I just sobbed like a little baby in front of numerous people, and side note: I absolutely hate crying in public. But, I was a leper, and I couldn’t help it. I was so defeated.

Hopped up on Benadryl and quarantined to the nurses station, I decided now was a good time to read up on a health plan I had heard about: The Maker’s Diet. Four out of six of the girls in my community group are gluten free and I live in Austin (hippies), so I am very aware of the world of clean eating. But, until now, I couldn’t have cared less about it.

The Maker’s Diet is basically based on a diet from the Old Testament on what God told the Israelites to eat and not eat. I read the entire book in only a few days, and I was reenergized to try something new. The diet is 40 days and consists of three phases. Hardest to easiest. As you go along you get to add more and more foods. If you want the details you can download them here: Maker’s Diet Phases 

Well, today is my 25^th day on the diet and I am currently canker sore and symptom free! Praise God! About a week ago I had 7 canker sores in my mouth, but as of now they are all healed. The book says often your symptoms get worse before they get better, so I am praying this is true.

It has been SUPER challenging for me. Mostly because I love cheese, bread, sugar, and lard. At first, eliminating all these things made me feel like a drug addict going cold turkey. (“Must have queso!!!”) And I will spare you the details of the “Raisinette incident” where I yelled at Micah for bringing my favorite candy into our house. But things have gotten easier as my taste buds are changing and I don’t loathe every person I see eating a cheeseburger.

For those of you that stumbled upon this blog by Googling “canker sores” because you suffer from them and have tried all the basic remedies (rinsing with salt water, ect.). Here are a few things that have helped me tremendously:

1. Praying healing scriptures over myself

This has absolutely been the most healing thing I have done. Spiritually and physically healing. I try to read them as often and as faithfully as I would take a healing medicine. My personal favs are listed here. 

And when I’m really feeling low this is my go to:

Jeremiah 17:14-15

 Heal me, O LORD, and I will be healed; 
save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise. 
They keep saying to me, “Where is the word of the LORD? Let it now be fulfilled!”

2. Cleansing Smoothie every day

This is my own adaptation from the Maker’s Diet. It has been fabulous for my sores and stomach pain. I make it and drink half in the morning and half at night. It includes mixing:

·      1 Scoop of Super Seed (whole food fiber blend)

·       1 Scoop of Perfect Food (green superfood blend with HSOs)

·      1 tbsp extra virgin coconut oil

·      1 tbsp flaxseed oil

·      1 tbsp Apple Cider Vineger

·      1 cup organic frozen fruit

·      8 oz filtered water

Optional Additions:

o   1 egg

o   1 Tbs honey

o   spinach leaves

o   yogurt or almond butter for texture

3.  Daily Whole Food Multi-Vitamin

Must be a “whole food” multi-vitamin to be most effective. I use Vitamin Code Women.

Garden of Life's Super Seed, Perfect Food, and Vitamin Code Women Multi-Vitamin

4. Oral B Amosan

This is an oral wound cleanser in the form of a powder that you mix with warm water. Use it when you have sores in your mouth and they will heal faster and feel better. 

5. Debacterol

This is the serious stuff. I only use it when I am really desperate. It is prescription only and will heal any canker sore. The  downside is it burns like the fires of hell. Seriously, we’re talking tears streaming down your face. It is a small acidic swab that you hold on the sore for a few second. It will heal over immediately.

I hope this helps someone out there!

And for the rest of you, thank you for your prayers! 

I Trust You

Yesterday my friend Leah and I spontaneously went to the outlet mall where I bought an embarrassingly large number of Nike shorts. Not the kind that all the college and trendy high school girls wear, but a much more mature Nike Dri Fit version...obviously. They are the perfect length and fit, so I stocked up. 

Leah has an adorable little boy, Henry, and another bun in the oven, so I asked her what has been the most surprising aspect of having children. She said, 


"Everyone told me I would love my kid. But, I don't just love him, I continue to love him more and more than the day before." 


I didn't tell her right then, (I prefer to say encouraging things over the internet rather than in person.) but it captivated me. God has entrusted Leah with this precious life, and she is being faithful in a thousand tiny ways. 

Jesus said, "From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked." (Luke 12:48) 

Those of us who God has given gifts are held to a higher standard. Which is everyone! He gives us something precious. He gives us a role, a part to play. 

I imagine it this way... 

I walk up to a king's throne and he hands me a small bag of gold coins. He leans in close to my face and whispers, "Be wise and faithful with these." He owns the coins, but he is allowing me to manage them for him. He is investing in me. Months later I return to the king and have started a business with the gold coins and now have two bags. I hold up the bags, excited to show the king. "Well done!" The king exclaims. "You have been good and faithful with the few coins I have given you; I will set you over much." He reaches behind his throne, grabs a golden treasure box, and hands it to me. I open the box. Inside are rubies, diamonds, gold, silver...there is such a large amount and variety of treasures in the box it's hard for me to take them all in at once. Now he has trusted me with much more. I have a greater responsibility but with greater potential rewards!  

This story is based on Jesus' words in Matthew 25. The truly fantastic twist is that God, our king, entrusts us with even more priceless treasures than in this story. He gives us abilities, friendships, gifts, insights into scripture, direction, leadership roles, a spouse, a voice in someone's life, the Spirit bringing someone to mind who needs us. The treasures are vast and unique to each of us. 

But, we must be faithful. 

We must utilize the abilities. 
Love the friends. 
Appreciate the gifts. 
Let the insights and revelations of scripture soak down into the deepest parts of us. 
Walk in the direction he is pointing. 
Lead with integrity and courage. 
Be patient with our spouse. 
Speak truth into someone's life. 
Call the person who comes to mind. 


And he promises that if we are faithful in the little things, he will give us even bigger things. Exciting! 

Here are a few things I know God has entrusted me with: 

Can you guess what they are?

What about you? What are some things you know he has entrusted you with? 

P.S. God has not entrusted me with that donkey. 

A Birthday Gift

Well, hello, blog. Sorry it’s been awhile.

Since the last time I wrote, I had a birthday - 28.

To some of you that is old, and to some that is young, but to me it’s just…weird.

I remember being in high school and thinking 20 was ancient. At 28 I thought you were basically dead, or at least really, really boring. Contrary to my high school expectations, I’m liking 28 so far. It’s only been about 12 days since we were introduced, but so far she’s been good to me.

On my birthday, Micah took me to see the movie Thor. I recognize that many girls would not file this high on the birthday agenda, but a little known fact about me is that I love super hero movies. Batman, Superman, Spiderman, X-Men. You name it. It definitely comes from my Dad, who also introduced me to similar movies like Star Wars, Star Trek, Indiana Jones and the like. But, super hero movies were always his (and therefore my and my brother’s) favorite. We would go see one at the theatre and then go to Chili’s and analyze the entire plot over chicken fingers. I love those memories.

As I’ve grown I’ve realized there were many things that drew me to these types of stories. I loved the hero rescuing the girl. I loved that the characters were special. I loved the moment they discovered the power within them. I loved the concept of good conquering evil. I loved the seemingly impossible odds. It all fascinated me, and it still does. So, needless to say, I was excited to see Thor.

And I loved it. Maybe a little too much.

When the movie ended I felt sad. That might sound strange, but I started to have this thought that life is just not that exciting. I was pissed that Micah isn’t ripped, wears a suit of armor, and has access to some alternate universe. I was angry that we were sitting in a movie theatre and not doing something adventurous and of the utmost importance…maybe saving lives or conquering kingdoms or I don’t know ANYTHING! So, in my slight depression we  went home.

As I crawled into bed that night as a 28 year old non-super hero (or super hero wife) I reluctantly turned in my devotional to June 11th. It said this:

“There he broke the flashing arrows,
the shield, the sword, and the weapons of war.” –Psalm 76:3

Our Redeemer’s glorious cry of “It is finished,” was the death-knell of all the adversaries of his people, the breaking of the arrows of the bow, the shield, and the sword, and the battle.” Behold the hero of Golgotha using his cross as an anvil, and his woes as a hammer, dashing to shivers bundle after bundle of our sins, those poisoned “arrows of the bow;” trampling on every indictment, and destroying every accusation. What glorious blows the mighty Breaker gives with a hammer far more ponderous than the fabled weapon of Thor!

Beloved, no sin of a believer can now be an arrow mortally to wound him, no condemnation can now be a sword to kill him, for the punishment of our sin was borne by Christ, a full atonement was made for all our iniquities by our blessed Substitute and Surety.

I was stunned, and simply prayed…

Thank you, Jesus, for rescuing me and loving me. Thank you for being my strong protector. Thank you for making me special. Thank you for helping me realize the power within me that you have given me. Thank you for being the good that conquers all evil. Thank you for conquering even when it seems impossible. Thank you that you are coming back for me.

Amen.

How to be Productive

One of my dearest friends, Melissa, sent me the most encouraging email, so I got her the Starbucks above. I recently told her how guilty I’ve been feeling about my lack of productivity. I’ve been sick with some strange health issues for about 6 months now, and in the last couple of weeks I’ve been sick twice. Being sick so often is really challenging my neurotic nature to do EVERYTHING and constantly be making over my life.  My looks, my friendships, my style, my spirituality, my marriage, my intellect…somehow I’ve convinced myself that I need a complete overhaul…everyday. But, anyway, Melissa’s email simply had this verse:

“It is no use for you to get up early and stay up late working for a living. The Lord gives sleep to those He loves.” –Psalm 127:2

Can that be my life motto??

So, I went to look it up, and it also says this:

Unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the guard stands watch in vain. It is no use for you to get up early and stay up late working for a living. The Lord gives sleep to those He loves.” –Psalm 127:1-2

And there’s the heart of the issue. Unless.

Unless the Lord gives wisdom, the student studies in vain.

Unless the Lord provides, the bank account does not grow.

Unless the Lord moves, peoples’ lives are not changed.

Unless the Lord does the work, there’s no point. So, don’t work your life away.

It seems that the psalmist is saying that the most “productive” someone can be is by turning to the Lord and asking him to do it.  So, it’s ok that I have to lay here on the couch and get better. He’s the one doing the work anyway. 

Lighting the Lamps of the Past

Isaiah 63:7

I will tell of the kindnesses of the LORD,

   the deeds for which he is to be praised,

   according to all the LORD has done for us—

yes, the many good things

   he has done for Israel,

   according to his compassion and many kindnesses.

Philippians 2: 1-4

Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind.

Why can’t we do this?

Remember what God has done for us, and have faith he will do it again. If anything to remember the first time we experienced God and he said to you as a captive, “Come out!” and you in darkness, “Be free!” (Is. 49) Or if that memory seems far too distant, there must be some moment not that long ago where you can remember His voice?

Have you ever been sick, and you were healed? Even of the flu?

Worried about finances, and were provided for?

Weighted down by a burden, and felt relieved?

Encouraged in a time of trouble?

Comforted in sorrow?

Don’t forget what God has done for you. Think about the past for a moment.

Has the Lord never met with you? Climbed a mountain with you? Helped you in a time of need?

I know he has.

“Go back, then, a little way to the choice mercies of yesterday, and though all may be dark now, light up the lamps of the past, they shall glitter through the darkness, and thou shalt trust in the Lord till the day break and the shadows flee away.” –Charles Spurgeon

Friendship and Ugly Crying

“Good friendships are like breakfast. You think you’re too busy to eat breakfast, but then you find yourself exhausted and cranky halfway through the day, and discover that your attempt to save time totally backfired.”

-Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist

I have the greatest friends. Seriously.

But, that hasn’t always been the case. In fact, I remember a very distinct moment on my birthday only a few years ago when I looked at Micah and pathetically cried, “I have no friends!” And it wasn’t a graceful crying. It was the kind where your face gets really red and you look hideous. Girls, you know what I’m talking about. We were newly married, and Micah was dumbfounded.

I also remember many frighteningly similar moments my freshmen year of college. Sitting in my dorm room at the University of Texas crying because I was hundreds of miles away from my closest friends from high school. And I was utterly, totally convinced I would never have another meaningful friendship.  I would throw myself down on Jenny (my roommate and only friend) and my futon bunk bed and cry ever so dramatically. Pretty much a weekly occurrence. Okay, daily.

And here’s the truth. Here’s the hard, scratchy, uncomfortable truth. Friendships are work. They take time, patience, forgiveness, understanding, listening. Everything that within ourselves we just don’t feel like doing. And making friends is even more work. Because you have to go through many stages before you can get to the ‘we spontaneously hang out without an appointment stage’. But, if we choose not to work, choose not to grow, choose not to be vulnerable, then one day, you wake up and you’re ugly crying because you have no friends.

Proverbs 27:9 says this:

“Just as lotions and fragrance give sensual delight, a sweet friendship refreshes the soul.”

I just got back from a Young Life training in Georgia, and we were in class all day everyday for a week. The room we were in was set up classroom style, and my whole row was full of guys I work alongside. One day, we were all getting a little stir crazy. I reached in my bag and pulled out this lotion that legitimately smells like the Caribbean. I started rubbing it on my hands, and something hilarious happened. Slowly each guy in our row got a whiff of this lotion until they were all staring at me. Pretty soon we were passing it down and our whole row smelled like coconut and the ocean. It was magical.

I think that’s what Proverbs is saying about friendship.

That when we smell Caribbean lotion…

or we hear a great song that makes us want to dance….

or we taste hot apple pie and homemade vanilla ice cream…

or we see a sunset that we know our camera will never be able to capture.. .

or put our toes in fresh cut green grass…

We perk up. We take note of how great life is and how much we enjoy it. We celebrate.

And in just that same way, friendship refreshes our soul.

It’s like a little confetti explosion in our heart when we spend time with a close friend who gets who we are, where we came from, and where we want to go.

So, make time for the friends you have and press into those who aren’t quite there yet. They’ll be worth their weight in Caribbean lotion.